5 printable jokes from Amy Schumer's HBO special
Amy Schumer is having a moment – and another one, and another one, and another one.
The comedian did boffo box office in summer's Trainwreck; won an Emmy for Comedy Central's Inside Amy Schumer and last week achieved a comic's dream, hosting Saturday Night Live. On Saturday, she grabbed another pop culture brass ring, headlining her first HBO stand-up special, Amy Schumer: Live at the Apollo, directed by comic master Chris Rock.
During the one-hour performance, taped in May, Schumer entertains a mostly young, mostly white audience at Harlem's legendary Apollo Theater, running through a variety of topics, including body image, body parts, ignorance of the news, alcohol and casting differences between New York and Hollywood.
She talks about comedic double standards.
"I'm labeled a sex comic. Like in interviews, people are always like, 'So, you keep talking about sex.' I think it's just because I'm a girl. I feel like a guy could get up here and literally (expose himself) and everybody would be like, 'He's a thinker!' " she says, drawing big applause and high-pitched cheers.
After that observation, she embarks on a long and frequently hilarious digression on bodily fluids; what goes on in the presidential bedroom; women's interest in sex; men's interest in sex; dumb guys vs. smart guys as lovers; and comically named sex acts, including some that would appear to violate both standards of decency and portions of the criminal code.
Here are five jokes we can print (Apologies to Schumer, since it leaves out some very funny material.):
On Hollywood's ridiculous physical standards:
In L.A., "My arms register as legs … and my legs register as firewood."
On Kevin James as a rom-com leading man in Zookeeper:
He's "dating a beautiful, blonde skeleton. … And the girl who's in love with him, who he doesn't notice, who's been there all along waiting in the wings, is Rosario Dawson," she said. "That movie's about talking animals. There's a beaver and a penguin that are friends and talk about opening a bed and breakfast, but that's not the most unrealistic part of that movie."
On having friends who keep up with the news when you don't:
"They were all very upset about Ferguson and I was like, 'I know. I can't believe he left the show.' "
On sitting courtside at a Lakers game:
"The first person I saw was literally Kate Upton," Schumer says, re-enacting how she looked down at her own body and came to a realization. "And I was like, 'Oh, I get it. I'm not a real woman. I'm just harvesting organs for one.' "
"I was dating an infectious disease doctor, 'cause two birds," she says with a knowing nod. "He wound up being like an insane alcoholic and, uh, that's my thing. I feel like in most relationships there's one alcoholic and one person who's sad about it. And I wanted to be like the fun one!"